How can I make my boyfriend only want me and no other girl?
I used to be in the kind of relationship you’re dreaming of. Let me tell you my experience and why you’re focusing on the wrong issue.
My first husband was 14 when we met, I was 11. When we got married a few years later we were both very young and I was the first girl he ever approached. All the years we were together I never saw him look at another woman. People kept on telling me how serious he was with women when I wasn’t around.
He was charming and friendly to everyone the same way regardless of their gender.
He was constantly praising me and professing his love for me to everyone. He would take care of my physical and material well being almost like a servant – including in front of his mates who never laughed at him for it because he was incredibly secure in his devotion for me.
This is probably the kind of relationship you’re hoping for. People often asked us how we kept the fire so alive in spite of the passing of time.
Yet, I divorced him.
”How can you leave a man who loves you so much?” people asked.
He was a fine man worthy of respect. I would have loved to remain friends with him if he had wanted to.
His “only wanting me” made me feel safe in my relationship when I was very young and insecure. But as time went by and I was learning to love myself (that was a hard battle but an entire other story) it became normal, then annoying and finally unbearable. This process happened proportionally to my growing confidence.
What was wrong?
- He would say yes to anything I’d ask. “Yes, let’s go to the opera if you want to.” As I was enjoying Verdi’s Aida with every bit of my soul filled with emotions, he would be watching me the whole time. Finding it amusing to observe my emotions. I was his entertainment which I didn’t mind in itself if it hadn’t meant I couldn’t share anything with him.
- He loved that I was always planning new exciting adventures of all sorts. But he would live the experience through me instead of with me. It felt lonely.
- When I wasn’t around, I was always the center of his conversations with other people, my life was his main topic of conversation. He would identify to my endeavours, my skills, my philosophical views, my adventures. It felt to me as if he had no identity of his own.
- At dinner parties, he would usually let me do the talking which was fine by me. Until he’d had a couple of drinks. He would spot a moment in the conversation where he remembered vaguely something that he’d heard me say. He would throw it out of context to be invariably refuted by someone at the table. He would say with authority as his best defense: ”Isabelle believes that too.” I would turn the conversation around to let him save face. I started avoiding dinner parties with him.
- I would be watching a spectacular sunset filled with awe. When I would comment on the beauty of the colours if I glanced at him, I would see him watching me and answering my comment of admiration but talking about me. From time to time, it can be romantic. Never being able to enjoy a beautiful sight without being the center of attention is plain boring and worse, it is very lonely.
- Watching the most beautiful actresses on TV and commenting on their beauty, if he responded it would be to say something along the line: ”She’s alright but she doesn’t have your high cheek bones.” It might sound flattering to be found the absolute reference of beauty by your man but when you are confident about your looks you don’t need nor want to belittle other women’s beauty especially the ones you admire. Don’t get me wrong, I’m vain enough to enjoy compliments but comparisons are not compliments. It is yet another energetic negativity.
- Being the centre of attention of your man at times is exciting if not necessary for a vibrant relationship but constantly is utterly boring, suffocating and awfuly lonely. Maybe for teenagers it can be great but when you get to know and love yourself you don’t want the whole world to evolve around yourself. There is so much more to life.
He was loving, handsome, friendly, hard working, non smoker, moderate drinker and I could list many more qualities. Yet, I left him. Yes, I’m the bad guy in the story. He couldn’t have children, he didn’t want to adopt. At first I convinced myself I was OK with it. But, I had too much love in my heart to give yet loving him was like loving myself. That was not enough. He wasn’t enough.
When I tell my story, not many will understand. Everyone understands a woman leaving a philanderer, a violent husband, an alcoholic. … but leaving a man who smothers you with love and attention to the point of losing his personality it’s not given to everyone to understands.
What you really want is to share your life with someone who is passionately in love with life and enjoys every minute of it that you spend together. Don’t waste time and energy in wondering whether he only wants you.